There isn’t a better picture of two people thinking “WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO?!?” at the exact same moment. Model Emily Ratajowski, 26 (she’s the one in the evil preacher hat and veil) married actor/producer Sebastian Bear-McClard (oh, lordy at that name) at City Hall in NYC on Friday. They’ve only been together for a few weeks, according to People. Now that’s love. Or a pregnancy cuz’ one of them is traditional. Or enough champagne and whatever-illicit-substance-you’ve-been-using-together cocktails to make you believe marrying someone you just banged is a super good idea. Hopefully she directed her two guests to donate to her Go Fund Me page so she can get that career-saving breast reduction.
The newlyweds saved money on a wedding photographer and just put the whole thing on social media.
“I got married today,” Ratajowski wrote on a selfie with her new husband as part of a series of pics she posted right after the quick ceremony. In the snap, Bear-McClard kisses the model’s cheek as the couple holds hands.
Emily nixed the wedding dress and fit her troublesome breasts into a Zara pantsuit. Mr. and Mrs. Bear-McClard also eschewed your standard obnoxious engagement diamond in favor of a “simple gold band” worn by each. Although ‘Bastian (CALL MY NAME!) was also sporting rings that read “EM” and “RATA.” Maybe he’s not as much of a dummy as we think. He can just lose the rings when they separate next week. That’s way cheaper and less time consuming than affording the laser to zap off the unfortunate tattoo he could have gotten.
And If Emily ever wants to make wine, she’s in luck according to one of ‘Bastian’s pals.
Oscar Boyson, who produced Good Time with Bear-McClard and is a partner at Elara Pictures, tells PEOPLE that Ratajowski’s new husband is “the sweetest grape on the vine.”
If Oscar Boyson isn’t some drunken hipster fop wearing his own evil preacher hat and demanding the barkeep at the afterparty have Old Crow Reserve, I’ll eat his hat AND Emily’s.
In defense of ‘Bastian (PPLLLEEAASSEE! SAVE US!), he co-produced last year’s Good Time which starred Robert Pattinson and got excellent reviews. So maybe this isn’t some whatever-induced mistake and they appreciate each other’s work and are true soulmates? Then again, their witness was The Fat Jew who wore a Planned Parenthood sweatsuit. So draw your own conclusions.